Hot Peppers

Chile Peppers

Chile peppers are the world’s only FUNNY food. No other food on this planet except the chile pepper can be described as funny. Hamburgers? Nope. Not funny. Chicken Fried Steak? Not funny, either. Vegetable soup? Yawn. Definitely not funny.

Chili peppers, on the other hand, are very funny. Have you ever watched someone eat a really hot pepper? Man, that’s funny! There are videos all over the interweb of brave, albeit misguided, macho men eating the hottest peppers they can find. And there is one thing for sure, folks, those videos are funnnnnnnyy! Images of beet-red faces, scalded tongues, and general gastric distress can turn a boring evening into a laugh fest, complete with all the har-dee-hars and ha-ha-ha’s that all decent folk crave.

Which other foods have this innate ability to evoke peals of laughter and generous guffaws?
Which other alimentations can alleviate the doldrums of every-day life?
Which other condiments can crack a smile on even the stoniest mugs in our community?
Which other foods can cause a man to do his macho act for the nurses in the local ER?

That’s right… none save the humble chile pepper. Only the chile pepper holds this high and exalted honor. Only the chile pepper can bring us together in a group giggle. Only the chile pepper can unite us as a single unit in search of water. Only the humble chile pepper can bring all mankind together in brotherly love and end the war in Iraq. Whew!

And now… for your reading pleasure… notes on some famous peppers.

The Bell Pepper.
Does it really deserve to be called a pepper? Not really. It's big, it’s green, but it isn't even hot. Yet we call it a pepper. I guess that's because don't have anything else to call it. Or maybe we just feel sorry for it. 0 (zero, zip, zilch) Scoville Heat Units.

The Jalapeño Pepper.
World famous, and not too shabby a pepper. Most people pronounce it "hell-a-PAIN-yo", which is cool if you live north of the border, but not everybody does. Kid's stuff, once you get used to them. Further south, they make a good breakfast and are often found in baby food. Slightly hotter than yer store-bought Tabasco Sauce. 2000-8000 SHUs.

The Serrano Pepper.
South of the border, amigo. Good in salsas, sauces, tacos, burritos, just name it. Hotter than the Jalapeño, pepper noobs are advised to be a little more careful with this one. 10,000-20,000 SHUs. Good stuff.

The Chiltepin Pepper.
Big things come in small packages, like dynamite and nitro-glycerin. No bigger than your pinkie fingernail, this little bugger will set a whole pot of chili on fire. Be careful with this one, bucko. It is called the "mother of all peppers", as it is believed to be the oldest species of peppers. The Bell Pepper envies this one, as does the Jalapeno and the Serrano. 50,000-100,000 SHUs.

The Habanero Pepper.
Described as "Exceptionally Hot", it more deservingly should be called "You'll Be Sorry, Jack, Hot", or "That's Gonna Hurt...Twice... Hot." It will burn your stomach like a BBQ ember. This is the one that makes all the intraweb videos so funnnnnyyy!!! South of the border, this orange H-Bomb is treated with mucho respecto. The Chiltepin respects the Habanero. So do our southern neighbors. Look up the hybrid Red Savina Habanero while you're at it. It can earn a whopping 100,000-350,000 SHUs on a cool day, in the shade, while on ice.

The Scotch Bonnet Pepper. This hot pepper is a cultivated variation of the Habanero Pepper. In laymen's terms, it is a real troublemaker. Eating them raw has been known to cause dizziness, numbness of the hands, heartburn, and diarrhea, all at the same time!! Wowee!!! Is this the line? 150,000-350,000 SHUs.

The Dorset Naga Pepper.
This little monster hails from England (England? WTF?) and is considered by many to be one of the world’s hottest. All you have to do is touch your food with it and it will burn the taste buds right off of your tongue. You need gloves just to handle the darn thing. It can be considered dangerously funny. It is a relative of the Scotch Bonnet and you have been warned. 900,000 plus SHU’s.

The Naga Jolokia Pepper.
All genuflect to the Chuck Norris of Peppers. From India, (India?... that's more like it...) this bugger will either put you in the hospital or put you in the dirt. It is poison and it is venom. Call for help. Call 911. Call the doctor. Call the priest. Call the lawyers. Call the probate officers and notify the next of kin. And, while you’re at it, call the newspapers and write an obituary. And bring your video camera. It’s definitely gonna be a "Kodak Moment". 855,000+ SHUs, slightly less than the Dorset Naga, but get this…the highest SHU ever recorded for this little SOB is 1,041,427 SHU’s. No others have ever even come close. 'Nuff said.

Have a nice day.