Life's Little Lessons, My Son

Many, many years ago, my father gave me some worldly advice. These items follow:

• Never play cards with a man named "Doc."
• Never eat at a place called "Mom's."
• And never, but never, marry a woman who has more problems than you do.

To these invaluable tidbits of father-to-son advice, I would like to make comments on and contribute additional insights that I have acquired in my own travels.

First item... amend it to read Never play cards with a man named "Doc", nor with anybody named after a cities, counties, or states. "Amarillo" Slim can and will take your money faster than you can fart. So will the "Cincinnati Kid." And playing cards with anybody with the words "Reno" or "Vegas" or "New Jersey" or "Nevada" anywhere in their names, on their tattoos, or on their clothing is what I consider a very bad risk. You might be better off just writing them a check for the money.

Second item... amend it to read Never eat at a place called "Mom's", nor any place called "Eat", nor "Tacos Mexico." These greasy-spoons' specialties consist of flies and double-diarrhaea. You will never have been so sick in your whole life. It is a painful lesson to learn the hard way. Heed my warnings now. Enough said.

Third item... no changes. Not even one.

Add to this list one of my own. Never swing on a 3-0 pitch. This one came to me while watching a baseball game. I watched the pitcher throw three straight balls and thought to myself, "Hey batter, you don't even have to swing." If someone is that bad, all you have to do is wait. There is never a need to prove your own strength when the other person is falling.

There you have it folks. Heed these words wisely. Avoid the embarrassment and pain of having to learn things the hard way. And remember...

Don't squat with your spurs on.